Blog Post 12 (July 13-18) Transitions in marriage; In-law Relations

This week we read an article identifying the different relationships we have with in-laws and new spouses. In it we are encouraged to build our family as a separate unit from that of our parents. I feel like I have been very lucky in this regard. My in-laws are supportive, kind, respectful, and appropriately distant. My parents also avoid stepping on our toes, they encourage us without committing any set suggestions, and help us to progress without getting involved.

There were certainly transition times in blending our families though. In the beginning we had to learn how to adjust to being two different people in one family.  I remember that early on my mother-in-law was concerned that I “didn’t like the family” because often I would be off by myself reading. It took her a long time to realize that I just absolutely love to read. I read for enjoyment as my mother and grandpa do. In our family “vacation” time is “reading” time. In my husband’s family “vacation” time is “family” time. In the years that have followed I have read less while with them, and they have given me time alone to read when I want it.

Another transition was between my very large family and my husband’s very small family. I have four siblings, and who knows how many aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. My husband has one brother, and three aunts, with a few cousins in each family. In our home you talk over someone or you don’t talk. In my husband’s family everyone takes turn having a conversation. For my husband this was really hard, he felt like he could never say anything, and my family worried that he didn’t like them. It took us all time to adjust and to accept that he has a small family and I have a big family and the dynamics are different.

Something particularly important from the text was that couples should “stay inside the fence” of their relationship and no one outside the fence should be involved in personal matters. I appreciate that because that is something my mom has always been careful to teach us. She has always told us that if we have a problem (unless it’s abuse) we need to work it out with our spouses. Too often young couples go to mom or dad to fix their marriage issues and end up with that parent hating the spouse which escalates the problem. Whining about your husband or wife will only exaggerate their flaws. It is important to remember that we are all imperfect, but we can only grow if we work together.

Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.