Thursday, July 16, 2015

Blog Post 12 (July 13-18) Transitions in marriage; In-law Relations

This week we read an article identifying the different relationships we have with in-laws and new spouses. In it we are encouraged to build our family as a separate unit from that of our parents. I feel like I have been very lucky in this regard. My in-laws are supportive, kind, respectful, and appropriately distant. My parents also avoid stepping on our toes, they encourage us without committing any set suggestions, and help us to progress without getting involved.
There were certainly transition times in blending our families though. In the beginning we had to learn how to adjust to being two different people in one family.  I remember that early on my mother-in-law was concerned that I “didn’t like the family” because often I would be off by myself reading. It took her a long time to realize that I just absolutely love to read. I read for enjoyment as my mother and grandpa do. In our family “vacation” time is “reading” time. In my husband’s family “vacation” time is “family” time. In the years that have followed I have read less while with them, and they have given me time alone to read when I want it.

Another transition was between my very large family and my husband’s very small family. I have four siblings, and who knows how many aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. My husband has one brother, and three aunts, with a few cousins in each family. In our home you talk over someone or you don’t talk. In my husband’s family everyone takes turn having a conversation. For my husband this was really hard, he felt like he could never say anything, and my family worried that he didn’t like them. It took us all time to adjust and to accept that he has a small family and I have a big family and the dynamics are different.



Something particularly important from the text was that couples should “stay inside the fence” of their relationship and no one outside the fence should be involved in personal matters. I appreciate that because that is something my mom has always been careful to teach us. She has always told us that if we have a problem (unless it’s abuse) we need to work it out with our spouses. Too often young couples go to mom or dad to fix their marriage issues and end up with that parent hating the spouse which escalates the problem. Whining about your husband or wife will only exaggerate their flaws. It is important to remember that we are all imperfect, but we can only grow if we work together.


Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Blog Post 11 (July 6-11) Power Relations and Children

The main discussion this week is about power balance in the family. In my family I feel very blessed to have a husband who supports me. We are a team, we work together, discuss together, and plan our lives out together.
I don’t think this means that we can’t be individuals, because we must be, but that is exactly where the balance of power comes in. We are able to be free to do what we want to, but we have the support of our spouse to do what we can.
I am a firm believer in traditional roles. My husband is the bread-winner, I am the homemaker. Right now, though, we have a strange situation in that I am lucky enough to be able to stay home and work at the same time. It was a miracle for us because my husband didn’t get his job until this spring and so he was doing full-time school and I was working. And now, I get to be a stay-at-hom
e mom. And, as soon as we don’t need this job any more I will work full-time as a mom.
In light of this, it is important to note that my husband is supportive, and not domineering. There is nothing of the tyrant in him, even though we both agree he is to be the bread-winner. He is the leader of the home, because he has the priesthood, but we are equal partners in all we do.
Another key is that we are the parents, not the babysitters. We plan to raise our children with the idea that they are not the boss, we are. I don’t think it is healthy to let children run the home, and it isn’t healthy to control them with an iron fist, either. We want our children to feel that they have a say in matters, without feeling they own the place.

These ideas were all supported by Richard Miller in his talk “Who is the Boss?” I especially loved the part where he talks about the priesthood being a key to serving, not servitude. I appreciate my husband and his role as head, but he also recognizes me as someone he loves and serves. I am grateful for my husband and the wonderful blessing he is!

Miller, R., “Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families.” BYU Conference on Family Life, Brigham Young University, March 28, 2009.

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Blog Post 10 (June 29-July 24) Fidelity and Physical Intimacy

While reading this week there was a story about “Jane” and her husband “Aaron.” Jane had a “friend” and although she wasn’t physically intimate, she was emotionally intimate with him and not Aaron, her husband. Sometimes situations seem innocent, but can be very detrimental to marriage. Marriage is supposed to be a way for husband and wife to bond emotionally, spiritually, physically, and intellectually. When we offer any part of that to someone else we are not showing fidelity in marriage. I appreciated the questions posed in that talk and felt that was something I wanted to share. If we find ourselves with a “special friend” we need to ask ourselves these questions:
• “Are you turning to your friend for comfort rather than turning to your spouse?”
• “Do you find yourself thinking about your friend even when you’re at home?”
• “Do you seek opportunities to be with your friend even when work doesn’t require you to be together?”
• “Do you e-mail and text your friend when you’re not together?”
• “Have you told your spouse about these messages?”
• “Does the relationship with your friend take more of your time and energy than your relationship with your spouse?”
• “Do you compare your spouse to your friend?”
• “Would you be uncomfortable introducing your spouse to your friend?”
If you find yourself answering any of these questions with a guilty feeling, it is time to reorganize and prioritize. The relationships we have with our husband or wife are so special. Nothing should ever come between that.
I love my husband with all my heart, and he is truly my best friend. I know that he is not perfect, but neither am I, so together we are able to grow and improve. Too many people let those little imperfections gnaw away at their friendship, and if you find yourself feeling that way, focus on the good your spouse offers. Love him or her with all your heart. Don’t let anyone or anything get between you!
Matheson, K. (2009, September 1). Fidelity in Marriage: It’s More Than You Think. Ensign