Blog Post 5 (May 25-30) Cherishing Your Spouse

In the BBC Television series “Sherlock” we learn about Sherlock Holmes’ “mind palace.” In the episode “The Hounds of Baskerville” Watson explains to a scientist that when you need to remember something you create a place to go where you can store memories. It could be a street that you walk down, or a room that you fill with thoughts. The scientist is shocked because Sherlock had said “palace.”

It is funny because I actually really like the idea of a “mind palace.” I readily admit I am not Sherlock Holmes. But something I really liked about my studies this week was the “love map” created by Gottman and explained in his book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” Essentially it is the same as Sherlock’s “mind palace.” We create a map of those things we want to remember, but what is special is that this is a map designed just for your spouse.

When a couple has a good “love map” they, “have made plenty of cognitive room for their marriage. They remember the major events in each other’s history, and they keep updating their information as the facts and feelings of their spouse’s world change…Without such a love map, you can’t really know your spouse. And if you don’t really know someone, how can you truly love them?” (Gottman, pg. 48).

It is so important to keep updating our love maps. What good is a map of your hometown from 1883? We need to always be updating our information so that we can truly love our spouse.

I believe communication is key to this information. If we don’t communicate how will we ever update our information? If I only knew about my husband what I knew when we first dated I wouldn’t know any of his life; he has different friends, he has a different job, a different perspective now as a father, ect. We can’t let our love maps become outdated, we need to be open with each other and we need to remember why we loved talking when we were dating.

 (Fun Fact: "Sherlock" (and the books of course) are on my husband's love map!)

Sources:

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown.

Vertue, S. (2012). The Hounds of Baskerville [Television series episode]. In Sherlock. London, England: BBC One.

Blog Post 4 (May 18-23) Negative Behaviors

This week we were reading from John Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Right at the beginning we are told about the signs of impending divorce; Harsh Start-up, The Four Horsemen, Flooding, Body Language, Failed Repair Attempts, and Bad Memory.

I want to talk a little bit about each of these and my thoughts as I read through the book.

First; Harsh Start-Ups. One of the biggest problems I have is that when I am mad I want to just dive in and fix the problem. That doesn’t always make for kind introductions to stressful situations. When I am angry I lose my cool and can sometimes use harsh start-ups to fuel the fire and not put it out. Something I can feel proud of, though, is that the last time I felt really frustrated with my husband I waited an hour and collected my thoughts before I just started in on him. I know that it didn’t make the argument go away, but I think the argument could have lasted a lot longer if I had been rude. I can see just from that moment that if I try working through problems with a calm head, thing can be resolved.

Second; The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. I am actually pretty happy with this sign, because my husband and I have worked hard to be able to communicate kindly, even if we are mad. We weren’t always perfect at this, but my husband has never criticized me. He has complained, and so have I, but we both love each other and we don’t hold each other in contempt. Stonewalling is our one weakness, or rather a contention point. Stonewalling seems so reasonable when it is happening, like that old saying, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” But, I have noticed for our family that when we stonewall, we are just bottling up the argument until it explodes from something tiny. This is something all marriages have to look out for, because there is a difference between choosing your battles, and stonewalling.

Third; Flooding. This one is such a difficult thing to deal with. When we feel flooded it seems impossible to control ourselves. I know I have felt this a time or two (or more) and not just with my husband. When we feel that we are justified and right, we become indignant and all those feelings of anger well up as if they will come steaming out of the ears. I think this is something that takes patience. I was thinking about how I would teach this to my children, and decided that it is best to let them know that it is normal to feel flooded, but not to act out because of it. When we can recognize that that is what is happening, it can be easier to control. If we can learn to recognize it as children, it won’t be as emotional as a couple. We just need to recognize that there needs to be a change.  

Fourth; Body Language. His point on this section was that men and women tend to react differently, but my thoughts were more about the idea of what we communicate with our bodies. I think that non-verbal communication plays a role in each section. We can cause harsh start-up even with nice words, if we say them with a sneer. We can say something like “I love you” with contempt. We can allow flooding to leak out into our body movements. It is important to be aware of body language and remember that your spouse is your best friend and the love of your life. Why would you ever want to hurt them? Pay attention to what you are saying with your looks.

Fifth; Failed Repair Attempts. Instead of just repeating what he said, I was actually thinking about what repair attempts we make in our marriage. My husband and I actually have a silly one that I like. One day while we were arguing over something small (not an “argument” but just disagreeing about something) my husband was saying something about not wanting to go to school or work or something silly and I told him we had to, he said, “Oh, just grow up about it!” It was so ridiculous that we both started laughing. The funny part wasn’t the sentence, but that he was the one who wanted to do the ungrown-up thing and I was trying to be responsible and encourage him to work. Ever since then we have thrown that in whenever we feel like something is getting too heated. It works because it is associated with a funny memory and is never meant to be mean-spirited. I think a lot of “failed” attempts come because they are not really funny, but just mean.

Sixth; Bad Memory. Again, I don’t want to just rehash what he said, because it’s very simple (we forget the good things when we focus on the bad). I want to remember my own wedding:

I was really nervous because I had been waiting so long for this. My husband and I had dated off and on since we were sixteen. We had both served missions and so it had been a long process. I was afraid it would never come! I loved him so much!

I remember that my husband interrupted the sealer because he didn’t realize that he hadn’t finished speaking yet. It was so sweet and felt like he was in such a hurry to be married! I remember having my family all around us and being so grateful that so many could be in the temple with us while we were sealed.

I remember my husband making a silly pose right outside the temple (sort of an “Oh yeah, I’m awesome” pose)! We got a picture of that, and I love it!

The luncheon was great, my mother-in-law was worried because the food wasn’t on time, but it didn’t bother us. We just mingled with family and enjoyed the fact that we were finally married!

I loved how everything turned out, the colors, the decorations, and the food! My Mom still talks about how out of her five children ours was the one most people just sat and talked and talked at. It was so much fun!

We had the best honeymoon and I still consider it the best week of my life. I remember that on that Friday (we were headed home Saturday) I realized how great it was that the vacation may be ending, but we still got to go home and be together forever. I didn’t have to feel like anything was rushed, because we were married for eternity! It was so great!

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown.

Here is a link to a little quiz on how well you know your partner! Enjoy!

http://www.gottman.com/how-well-do-you-know-your-partner/

Blog Post 3 (May 11-16) Eternal Marriage

One particular thing that is very important to me is that marriage can be eternal. When we as Latter-day Saints marry, we marry for eternity. We do not marry “till death do us part.” Having been married now for several years I am so grateful that my husband and I will be together forever.

The commitment we made when we were married was forever. There have been times when it seemed like we could never figure this marriage stuff out, but because we had promised each other forever, we were able to work through our struggles and become so much more solid.

Our relationship is one that is never going to end, and I wouldn't want it to. I know that if I choose, I could ruin that, but because I committed to my husband, I will not break that commitment. We are able to stay together because we know that even after this life we can be together forever.

Often I worry that marriage that ends at death creates a timeline that we are just waiting for. When we say that marriage is going to continue past that, we know that means we can’t just skate by in life. We have to recognize that this person will be with us forever, so we need to recognize them as literally the other half. All we do should be about them, not about us. If we truly love them, for eternity, we will treat them that way.

President Hinckley taught us to, “be worthy of the mate you choose. Respect him or her. Give encouragement to him or her. Love your companion with all your heart. This will be the most important decision of your life, the individual whom you marry.”

Hinckley, G. (1999, February 1). Life's Obligations. Ensign, 4-4.  

Blog Post 2 (May 4-9) Threats to Marriage

This week’s discussions on marriage were set specifically to the idea of Same-Sex marriage. Many people feel that allowing Same-Sex marriage is going to do nothing to affect marriage as it is currently. I really enjoyed reading Marriage: Where do we go from here? by Ryan Anderson. He brought up so many great points in his article that can help those who feel “traditional marriage” is good for the family.

He gives six ways to “witness to the truth about marriage while there is still time…”

“ONE. STAND UP FOR OUR AUTHORITY AS CITIZENS TO PASS LAWS REFLECTING THE TRUTH ABOUT MARRIAGE”

We are told that we don’t have to sit by and just let things happen. We have the right to vote and if enough people can show that they oppose the redefinition of marriage, then if the argument won’t disappear entirely, it will at least stand a chance, like Roe v. Wade.

I believe in the democratic system, and it has always been the ones who are the loudest who get the attention. If we believe something we need to act on it. We have ballot boxes, we have representatives, and we have media for a reason. We need to stand up and be heard.

“TWO. DEFEND OUR FORM OF GOVERNMENT AND OUR LIBERTIES”

One of the biggest issues is that people are beginning to be forced into things they don’t believe; religious adoption agencies are forced to adopt to same-sex couples, photographers are forced to photograph same-sex weddings, or florists are being forced to cater to same-sex unions. I like what he wrote specifically to this, “Competitive markets can best harmonize a range of values that citizens hold. And there is no need for government to try to force every photographer and every florist to participate in every marriage-related event.”

I don’t understand how we can say that it is only fair to force people to do something they don’t believe. The point of this argument in the first place was that people should have the right to do what they think is best, but now it seems that people’s rights are being stepped on by those who voted for choice.

“THREE. MAKE THE CASE FOR MARRIAGE”

In this section he specifically talks about what marriage means, and what is means especially to children. Children should have access to both their parents. A child raised by only men or only women will be affected.

He also talks about talking about marriage with people. Many have just never heard a good argument for why marriage is so important. “Winning over these students [or anyone] so that they will at least respect our religious-liberty rights is essential. We do that, in part, by explaining the reasons for our beliefs about marriage” (italics added).

I want to say that marriage is important to me, a man and woman are joined together by more than just a piece of paper. Marriage was set up as the institution for growth and family. A man and a woman together create life, they balance each other out, and they create a solid foundation for future generations. I am different than my husband, but together we become that rock our children can be grounded on.

“FOUR. WE MUST DIVERSIFY AND STRENGTHEN OUR EFFORTS”

The media is so overwhelmingly against the family, and it should be up to us to determine what is being shown. There is always something on television right now that is contrary to what we want, but if we aren’t willing to adjust it, it will keep moving away from traditional values. Companies sell what the market demands, and if we don’t demand a better viewing, it will never change.

We need to be just as willing to show what we believe as anyone else. We should use the media, art, television, books, etc. to show that what we want is something different than what the world is trying to give us.

“FIVE. THE CHURCH HAS A CENTRAL ROLE TO PLAY”

This refers to all Christian churches, but I specifically agree that members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints should also stand up for what we believe in. We shouldn’t be ashamed of our faith, and our belief that a man and a woman belong together. The scriptures teach us fundamental truths, that we should be willing to reference.

He also specifically mentions that we have an obligation to live out our marriages to prove that it is right. We need to be loving, kind, have lasting relationships, and be faithful in our marriages. We need to teach our children good principles so that they too can find happiness in marriage.

“SIX. WE MUST ALL TAKE THE LONG VIEW”

“Whatever happens, it is essential to take the long view, and to be ready to bear witness to the truth even if law and culture grow increasingly hostile.” He again talks about Roe v. Wade and that at the time of the trial it seemed that all young people were pro-choice. It has become clear that there is a balance of what people believe. Like pro-life and pro-choice, we need to show that there are people on the side of “traditional marriage.”

It is the hope that if we can stick it out, we will not be ignored. The future is a choice, and we have to be willing to stand up and say what we believe, even when it seems that we are “on the wrong side of history.”

This is a discussion that I hope will not fade into history. Marriage should not just be about what gives me the most pleasure, or the most self-gratification. Marriage is about raising children, adapting to difficulties, and creating a place of refuge where family members are able to grow. Marriage is not easy, but it does strengthen the family. 

Source:

Anderson, R. (2014, May 22). Marriage: Where Do We Go From Here? Retrieved May 6, 2015, from http://www.nationalreview.com/article/378538/marriage-where-do-we-go-here-ryan-t-anderson

Blog Post 1 (April 27-May 2) Marriage Trends; Divorce

   “The belief that living together before marriage is a useful way “to find out whether you really get along,” and thus avoid a bad marriage and an eventual divorce, is now widespread among young people. But the available studies on the effects of cohabitation are mixed. In fact, some evidence indicates that those who live together before marriage are more likely to break up after marriage” (Marquardt, 78).

   It seems to me that everywhere I look marriage is fading away and cohabitation is increasingly becoming the “norm.” In the State of our Unions article published for 2012 it explains that more and more young people are accepting that living together before marriage will increase chances for happy marriage and will have no real negative effects. We learn, however that it is possibly very detrimental to the future of the couple and certainly to the children that may come about from this cohabitation.

   Not being so very young, I don’t understand this. My parents have always taught both in word and action that marriage is the stability we need. Some marriages struggle, but there are so many consequences we are just beginning to see, because people are no longer getting married.

   My husband and I have had struggles, some that I would say could justify divorce (according to worldly standards), but we stuck it out. We learned to communicate, we learned to recognize that we are all imperfect beings and when we are no longer so focused on ourselves we are better off. If my husband and I had not recognized that our marriage was a commitment we would have given up.

   Had we been only living together it would have been very easy to just say, “Okay, we are done. We obviously don’t work well together and should just find people who are better suited.” This is nonsense. We are perfect for each other, and because we are committed, we now have an even stronger love and a stronger bond than when we were first married, and thought we were both going to live Happily Ever After. Now, we know we will, because it has been tested.

   I am just starting out on the path of parenthood, and I hope to be able to teach my own children, like my parents did, that marriage is wonderful, beneficial, and necessary to be truly happy. Sometimes there are real reasons that marriage won’t work, but barring that, it is worth it. If we are selective in our early choices of those we date and are friends with, it will be easy to find a worthy eternal companion! 

Source:

Elizabeth Marquardt, David Blankenhorn, Robert I. Lerman, Linda Malone-Colón, and W. Bradford Wilcox, “The President’s Marriage Agenda for the Forgotten Sixty Percent,” The State of Our Unions (Charlottesville, VA: National Marriage Project and Institute for American Values, 2012).

For further readings on the family see:

mormonnewsroom.org/homage-to-the-home