This week we were reading from John Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Right at the beginning we are told about the signs of impending divorce; Harsh Start-up, The Four Horsemen, Flooding, Body Language, Failed Repair Attempts, and Bad Memory.
I want to talk a little bit about each of these and my thoughts as I read through the book.
First; Harsh Start-Ups. One of the biggest problems I have is that when I am mad I want to just dive in and fix the problem. That doesn’t always make for kind introductions to stressful situations. When I am angry I lose my cool and can sometimes use harsh start-ups to fuel the fire and not put it out. Something I can feel proud of, though, is that the last time I felt really frustrated with my husband I waited an hour and collected my thoughts before I just started in on him. I know that it didn’t make the argument go away, but I think the argument could have lasted a lot longer if I had been rude. I can see just from that moment that if I try working through problems with a calm head, thing can be resolved.
Second; The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. I am actually pretty happy with this sign, because my husband and I have worked hard to be able to communicate kindly, even if we are mad. We weren’t always perfect at this, but my husband has never criticized me. He has complained, and so have I, but we both love each other and we don’t hold each other in contempt. Stonewalling is our one weakness, or rather a contention point. Stonewalling seems so reasonable when it is happening, like that old saying, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” But, I have noticed for our family that when we stonewall, we are just bottling up the argument until it explodes from something tiny. This is something all marriages have to look out for, because there is a difference between choosing your battles, and stonewalling.
Third; Flooding. This one is such a difficult thing to deal with. When we feel flooded it seems impossible to control ourselves. I know I have felt this a time or two (or more) and not just with my husband. When we feel that we are justified and right, we become indignant and all those feelings of anger well up as if they will come steaming out of the ears. I think this is something that takes patience. I was thinking about how I would teach this to my children, and decided that it is best to let them know that it is normal to feel flooded, but not to act out because of it. When we can recognize that that is what is happening, it can be easier to control. If we can learn to recognize it as children, it won’t be as emotional as a couple. We just need to recognize that there needs to be a change.
Fourth; Body Language. His point on this section was that men and women tend to react differently, but my thoughts were more about the idea of what we communicate with our bodies. I think that non-verbal communication plays a role in each section. We can cause harsh start-up even with nice words, if we say them with a sneer. We can say something like “I love you” with contempt. We can allow flooding to leak out into our body movements. It is important to be aware of body language and remember that your spouse is your best friend and the love of your life. Why would you ever want to hurt them? Pay attention to what you are saying with your looks.
Fifth; Failed Repair Attempts. Instead of just repeating what he said, I was actually thinking about what repair attempts we make in our marriage. My husband and I actually have a silly one that I like. One day while we were arguing over something small (not an “argument” but just disagreeing about something) my husband was saying something about not wanting to go to school or work or something silly and I told him we had to, he said, “Oh, just grow up about it!” It was so ridiculous that we both started laughing. The funny part wasn’t the sentence, but that he was the one who wanted to do the ungrown-up thing and I was trying to be responsible and encourage him to work. Ever since then we have thrown that in whenever we feel like something is getting too heated. It works because it is associated with a funny memory and is never meant to be mean-spirited. I think a lot of “failed” attempts come because they are not really funny, but just mean.
Sixth; Bad Memory. Again, I don’t want to just rehash what he said, because it’s very simple (we forget the good things when we focus on the bad). I want to remember my own wedding:
I was really nervous because I had been waiting so long for this. My husband and I had dated off and on since we were sixteen. We had both served missions and so it had been a long process. I was afraid it would never come! I loved him so much!
I remember that my husband interrupted the sealer because he didn’t realize that he hadn’t finished speaking yet. It was so sweet and felt like he was in such a hurry to be married! I remember having my family all around us and being so grateful that so many could be in the temple with us while we were sealed.
I remember my husband making a silly pose right outside the temple (sort of an “Oh yeah, I’m awesome” pose)! We got a picture of that, and I love it!
The luncheon was great, my mother-in-law was worried because the food wasn’t on time, but it didn’t bother us. We just mingled with family and enjoyed the fact that we were finally married!
I loved how everything turned out, the colors, the decorations, and the food! My Mom still talks about how out of her five children ours was the one most people just sat and talked and talked at. It was so much fun!
We had the best honeymoon and I still consider it the best week of my life. I remember that on that Friday (we were headed home Saturday) I realized how great it was that the vacation may be ending, but we still got to go home and be together forever. I didn’t have to feel like anything was rushed, because we were married for eternity! It was so great!
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown.Here is a link to a little quiz on how well you know your partner! Enjoy!
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