Blog Post 9 (June 22-27) Seeking to Understand

One of the most powerful ideas from reading “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage” this week was that, “We should enjoy and appreciate our partners. We should forgive them of their humanness. The single most promising marriage-fixing effort is not tinkering with our partners’ characters; it is loving, cherishing, and appreciating them” (pg. 127).

I liked this quote because too often we see only the flaws. We complain that he never puts dishes away, or that she always whines about having to make the bed. Instead of focusing on these little bits of annoyance, we should really focus on all the wonderful things our spouses are and do.

So, for my thoughts this week I wanted to list a few great qualities my husband has and why I appreciate them:

He is patient; he is able to take in stress better than I can and helps me to remain calm when we are faced with difficult situations.

He is romantic; not just once have I had a surprise bouquet of roses show up at my door. He knows that I like romantic gestures like that, so he will randomly surprise me “just because.”

He is loving; he tells me at least an hundred times a day that he loves me. He texts me love notes from work, he kisses me whenever we come near each other, and he is always willing to hold my hand.

He is honest; he and I know everything about everything in our lives. We have no secrets, he has given me his heart and expects me to protect it.

He is smart; he can do math in his head! It takes me about fifteen minutes to find out the same information as he just knows.

He is hard working; he works so much all day long and studies all the time so that our family can have a better life. He knows that I want to stay at home with our children, so he works to allow me that blessing.

He is strong in his beliefs; he and I are in almost perfect agreement about what really matters. He is strong in doing what he believes is right. We both have the same standards for our family and our lives, and he can be counted on to uphold those beliefs.

There are so many things that make my husband wonderful, and it would take hours to put down all the things he is amazing at, so instead I am going to leave it here and just say that he is amazing, and I am grateful for the man I married, and hope to be worthy of him.

 

Goddard, H. (2009). Chapter 7: Charity. In Drawing heaven into your marriage: Eternal Doctrines that Change Relationships. Fairfax, VA: Joymap Publishing.

Blog post 8 (June 15-20) Managing Conflict

The biggest thought I had this week was about forgiveness in marriage. It is easy to say that we will be forgiving and loving when we commit to marriage, but once it gets hard do we stick with it?

I feel like when we can truly learn to forgive our spouses we are able to show true love. Sometimes this means that we have to set aside our pride, which can be hard. We are all going to make mistakes, but it is important to remember that both of us will be making those mistakes. I am not perfect, and neither is my husband, but because we both recognize that we can overcome anything.
Just this week it seemed that we were going to have a perfect week. We didn't have any arguments, we weren't so very bothered by any little irritations, until Saturday. For some reason we got into an argument, and it seemed like there was no hope to overcome the stresses. While my husband went on a walk, I rehearsed over and over all the things I was feeling, but instead, because we had time to think, we were able to forgive. Instead of rehashing the problems when he got home, we just let them fade. It may seems backwards, because we didn't actually "solve" the problem, instead we forgave each other.

Some things seem impossible to forgive, but nothing is important enough to hold on to. I know that there are even some things that can ruin marriage, but we can’t let it destroy us. Forgiveness is not something we have to have both parties for. We should be constantly forgiving others, as well as ourselves. Forgiveness is a healing balm. And in marriage, it is the best medicine.

I think the most important thing is to have a good relationship with your spouse. I know that my husband is my best friend, and so if we have issues, we can communicate them. I know that I can talk to him and tell him how I feel, and he can tell me how he feels. Even if we get upset we can work through the hard times, and learn to forgive each other. Forgiveness, true forgiveness, is not easy, but it so worth it.

Blog Post 7 (June 8-13) Beware of Pride

Every year, twice a year, we as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints gather together (either physically in Salt Lake City, Utah, or through television or digitally) and hear the words of the living prophets. One of the most profound talks ever given was by Ezra Taft Benson, prophet, seer, revelator, and then president of the Church. In April 1989 he gave a talk entitled “Beware of Pride” (which was then printed the next month in the magazine the Ensign). I have been influenced by this talk my whole life.

I remember as a child my Dad taught us about pride through this talk. He taught us that we shouldn’t allow pride to influence us, and to rise above it. Obviously this is a life-long lesson, and I am still working on it today.

A few years ago I was able to serve as a missionary and I remember how strongly this talk influenced me then, as well. I can’t even remember why I had it, but I had a printed copy, and I carefully pasted it into my journal so that I would always be able to re-read it and remember what it says. I added pictures to make it appealing and read it often. Pride is a huge stumbling block, and when we allow pride to control us, we lose out on so much.

“Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing.

“The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen… Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God’s” (Benson).

When we are in a relationship, whether as a spouse, a sibling, a parent, or a child, we often allow pride to control our actions. It is easy to think that what I say is right, and what they say is wrong. We “pit our will against” them. When we are able to pull away from the prideful tendencies we have such better lives. Our marriages thrive, our relationships deepen, and we love more fully.

I find that pride infects a relationship, and that when I allow it into my marriage I am pushing my husband away. I start to feel justified that I am doing all I can, and he is doing nothing. That is not true. We both strive for a happy marriage, and we both fail at times. My pride tells me that I am always right, but the Spirit tells me that that isn’t the case. When we are willing to allow that sting of guilt to change us, we can overcome pride. We just have to be willing to try.

I would love to just post the whole talk for my blog this week, but instead I am going to just add a link so you can read it for yourself! Enjoy!

https://www.lds.org/ensign/1989/05/beware-of-pride?lang=eng

Benson, E. (1989, May 1). Beware of Pride. Ensign. Found on lds.org, https://www.lds.org/ensign/1989/05/beware-of-pride?lang=eng

Blog Post 6 (June 1-6) Staying Emotionally Connected

One of the readings this week was a poem called Lamentations. While reading it I was drawn to Eve’s perspective on our joys and sorrows in life. In the poem we see the different life moments that Eve went through; being told she would suffer, giving birth to her boys, and then losing them.

The first thing that really hit me was when she says, “And now another one who looks like Adam…” I love that line, because ever since I met my husband I have wanted our children to look and be like him. He is handsome and good inside and out. What a miracle to have a child born who truly belongs to you. To know that he is yours and your husbands.

The next line that really hit me was “Where are the boys?” Before there is an answer Eve has to assume or perhaps assure herself that they are out working. Perhaps a lamb is being born? The weather seems bad for that, but work is work. She seems to try and ignore the look on Adam’s face. I think this is so sad. No mother wants to hear that her child has died, then to have to find out it was by his brother’s hand, and not only has she lost one, but both. I am sure that as a mother she would try and think of other punishments for her son, she wouldn’t want him to leave her too.

And of course, “Why?” We all ask that question when times get hard. I think that saddest part is that Cain chose this path. Many mothers have asked the question, “Why?” We just have to remember that we do what we can, and love them, but they are still free to choose their own paths.

It is a heartbreaking poem, but the key to this is not the sadness, it is the knowledge that Eve chose to go through the sorrow so that she could understand the joy. She, like all of us, chose to come to earth and suffer so that we can grow. We will never become better if we avoid the suffering.

I like the analogy that life is like an education. When we are students it seems like we will be students forever. We will always be struggling through homework, papers, exams, and projects. Then, one day, it’s all over. Did we do our best? Did we really learn, or did we just skim through. When the final exam is over, are we better for it? Life is like the education we receive; did we graduate or just go to school until we could bail?

Poem Source:

Hafen, B. (2005). The Doctrinal Pattern of Adam and Eve: No Misery, No Joy. In Covenant hearts: Marriage and the Joy of Human Love (pp. 65-74). Salt Lake City, Utah: Deseret Book. Poem: Lamentations, by Arta Romney Ballif. 

Blog Post 5 (May 25-30) Cherishing Your Spouse

In the BBC Television series “Sherlock” we learn about Sherlock Holmes’ “mind palace.” In the episode “The Hounds of Baskerville” Watson explains to a scientist that when you need to remember something you create a place to go where you can store memories. It could be a street that you walk down, or a room that you fill with thoughts. The scientist is shocked because Sherlock had said “palace.”

It is funny because I actually really like the idea of a “mind palace.” I readily admit I am not Sherlock Holmes. But something I really liked about my studies this week was the “love map” created by Gottman and explained in his book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” Essentially it is the same as Sherlock’s “mind palace.” We create a map of those things we want to remember, but what is special is that this is a map designed just for your spouse.

When a couple has a good “love map” they, “have made plenty of cognitive room for their marriage. They remember the major events in each other’s history, and they keep updating their information as the facts and feelings of their spouse’s world change…Without such a love map, you can’t really know your spouse. And if you don’t really know someone, how can you truly love them?” (Gottman, pg. 48).

It is so important to keep updating our love maps. What good is a map of your hometown from 1883? We need to always be updating our information so that we can truly love our spouse.

I believe communication is key to this information. If we don’t communicate how will we ever update our information? If I only knew about my husband what I knew when we first dated I wouldn’t know any of his life; he has different friends, he has a different job, a different perspective now as a father, ect. We can’t let our love maps become outdated, we need to be open with each other and we need to remember why we loved talking when we were dating.

 (Fun Fact: "Sherlock" (and the books of course) are on my husband's love map!)

Sources:

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown.

Vertue, S. (2012). The Hounds of Baskerville [Television series episode]. In Sherlock. London, England: BBC One.

Blog Post 4 (May 18-23) Negative Behaviors

This week we were reading from John Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Right at the beginning we are told about the signs of impending divorce; Harsh Start-up, The Four Horsemen, Flooding, Body Language, Failed Repair Attempts, and Bad Memory.

I want to talk a little bit about each of these and my thoughts as I read through the book.

First; Harsh Start-Ups. One of the biggest problems I have is that when I am mad I want to just dive in and fix the problem. That doesn’t always make for kind introductions to stressful situations. When I am angry I lose my cool and can sometimes use harsh start-ups to fuel the fire and not put it out. Something I can feel proud of, though, is that the last time I felt really frustrated with my husband I waited an hour and collected my thoughts before I just started in on him. I know that it didn’t make the argument go away, but I think the argument could have lasted a lot longer if I had been rude. I can see just from that moment that if I try working through problems with a calm head, thing can be resolved.

Second; The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. I am actually pretty happy with this sign, because my husband and I have worked hard to be able to communicate kindly, even if we are mad. We weren’t always perfect at this, but my husband has never criticized me. He has complained, and so have I, but we both love each other and we don’t hold each other in contempt. Stonewalling is our one weakness, or rather a contention point. Stonewalling seems so reasonable when it is happening, like that old saying, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” But, I have noticed for our family that when we stonewall, we are just bottling up the argument until it explodes from something tiny. This is something all marriages have to look out for, because there is a difference between choosing your battles, and stonewalling.

Third; Flooding. This one is such a difficult thing to deal with. When we feel flooded it seems impossible to control ourselves. I know I have felt this a time or two (or more) and not just with my husband. When we feel that we are justified and right, we become indignant and all those feelings of anger well up as if they will come steaming out of the ears. I think this is something that takes patience. I was thinking about how I would teach this to my children, and decided that it is best to let them know that it is normal to feel flooded, but not to act out because of it. When we can recognize that that is what is happening, it can be easier to control. If we can learn to recognize it as children, it won’t be as emotional as a couple. We just need to recognize that there needs to be a change.  

Fourth; Body Language. His point on this section was that men and women tend to react differently, but my thoughts were more about the idea of what we communicate with our bodies. I think that non-verbal communication plays a role in each section. We can cause harsh start-up even with nice words, if we say them with a sneer. We can say something like “I love you” with contempt. We can allow flooding to leak out into our body movements. It is important to be aware of body language and remember that your spouse is your best friend and the love of your life. Why would you ever want to hurt them? Pay attention to what you are saying with your looks.

Fifth; Failed Repair Attempts. Instead of just repeating what he said, I was actually thinking about what repair attempts we make in our marriage. My husband and I actually have a silly one that I like. One day while we were arguing over something small (not an “argument” but just disagreeing about something) my husband was saying something about not wanting to go to school or work or something silly and I told him we had to, he said, “Oh, just grow up about it!” It was so ridiculous that we both started laughing. The funny part wasn’t the sentence, but that he was the one who wanted to do the ungrown-up thing and I was trying to be responsible and encourage him to work. Ever since then we have thrown that in whenever we feel like something is getting too heated. It works because it is associated with a funny memory and is never meant to be mean-spirited. I think a lot of “failed” attempts come because they are not really funny, but just mean.

Sixth; Bad Memory. Again, I don’t want to just rehash what he said, because it’s very simple (we forget the good things when we focus on the bad). I want to remember my own wedding:

I was really nervous because I had been waiting so long for this. My husband and I had dated off and on since we were sixteen. We had both served missions and so it had been a long process. I was afraid it would never come! I loved him so much!

I remember that my husband interrupted the sealer because he didn’t realize that he hadn’t finished speaking yet. It was so sweet and felt like he was in such a hurry to be married! I remember having my family all around us and being so grateful that so many could be in the temple with us while we were sealed.

I remember my husband making a silly pose right outside the temple (sort of an “Oh yeah, I’m awesome” pose)! We got a picture of that, and I love it!

The luncheon was great, my mother-in-law was worried because the food wasn’t on time, but it didn’t bother us. We just mingled with family and enjoyed the fact that we were finally married!

I loved how everything turned out, the colors, the decorations, and the food! My Mom still talks about how out of her five children ours was the one most people just sat and talked and talked at. It was so much fun!

We had the best honeymoon and I still consider it the best week of my life. I remember that on that Friday (we were headed home Saturday) I realized how great it was that the vacation may be ending, but we still got to go home and be together forever. I didn’t have to feel like anything was rushed, because we were married for eternity! It was so great!

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown.

Here is a link to a little quiz on how well you know your partner! Enjoy!

http://www.gottman.com/how-well-do-you-know-your-partner/

Blog Post 3 (May 11-16) Eternal Marriage

One particular thing that is very important to me is that marriage can be eternal. When we as Latter-day Saints marry, we marry for eternity. We do not marry “till death do us part.” Having been married now for several years I am so grateful that my husband and I will be together forever.

The commitment we made when we were married was forever. There have been times when it seemed like we could never figure this marriage stuff out, but because we had promised each other forever, we were able to work through our struggles and become so much more solid.

Our relationship is one that is never going to end, and I wouldn't want it to. I know that if I choose, I could ruin that, but because I committed to my husband, I will not break that commitment. We are able to stay together because we know that even after this life we can be together forever.

Often I worry that marriage that ends at death creates a timeline that we are just waiting for. When we say that marriage is going to continue past that, we know that means we can’t just skate by in life. We have to recognize that this person will be with us forever, so we need to recognize them as literally the other half. All we do should be about them, not about us. If we truly love them, for eternity, we will treat them that way.

President Hinckley taught us to, “be worthy of the mate you choose. Respect him or her. Give encouragement to him or her. Love your companion with all your heart. This will be the most important decision of your life, the individual whom you marry.”

Hinckley, G. (1999, February 1). Life's Obligations. Ensign, 4-4.