Blog Post 12 (July 13-18) Transitions in marriage; In-law Relations

This week we read an article identifying the different relationships we have with in-laws and new spouses. In it we are encouraged to build our family as a separate unit from that of our parents. I feel like I have been very lucky in this regard. My in-laws are supportive, kind, respectful, and appropriately distant. My parents also avoid stepping on our toes, they encourage us without committing any set suggestions, and help us to progress without getting involved.

There were certainly transition times in blending our families though. In the beginning we had to learn how to adjust to being two different people in one family.  I remember that early on my mother-in-law was concerned that I “didn’t like the family” because often I would be off by myself reading. It took her a long time to realize that I just absolutely love to read. I read for enjoyment as my mother and grandpa do. In our family “vacation” time is “reading” time. In my husband’s family “vacation” time is “family” time. In the years that have followed I have read less while with them, and they have given me time alone to read when I want it.

Another transition was between my very large family and my husband’s very small family. I have four siblings, and who knows how many aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. My husband has one brother, and three aunts, with a few cousins in each family. In our home you talk over someone or you don’t talk. In my husband’s family everyone takes turn having a conversation. For my husband this was really hard, he felt like he could never say anything, and my family worried that he didn’t like them. It took us all time to adjust and to accept that he has a small family and I have a big family and the dynamics are different.

Something particularly important from the text was that couples should “stay inside the fence” of their relationship and no one outside the fence should be involved in personal matters. I appreciate that because that is something my mom has always been careful to teach us. She has always told us that if we have a problem (unless it’s abuse) we need to work it out with our spouses. Too often young couples go to mom or dad to fix their marriage issues and end up with that parent hating the spouse which escalates the problem. Whining about your husband or wife will only exaggerate their flaws. It is important to remember that we are all imperfect, but we can only grow if we work together.

Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.

Blog Post 11 (July 6-11) Power Relations and Children

The main discussion this week is about power balance in the family. In my family I feel very blessed to have a husband who supports me. We are a team, we work together, discuss together, and plan our lives out together.

I don’t think this means that we can’t be individuals, because we must be, but that is exactly where the balance of power comes in. We are able to be free to do what we want to, but we have the support of our spouse to do what we can.

I am a firm believer in traditional roles. My husband is the bread-winner, I am the homemaker. Right now, though, we have a strange situation in that I am lucky enough to be able to stay home and work at the same time. It was a miracle for us because my husband didn’t get his job until this spring and so he was doing full-time school and I was working. And now, I get to be a stay-at-hom

e mom. And, as soon as we don’t need this job any more I will work full-time as a mom.

In light of this, it is important to note that my husband is supportive, and not domineering. There is nothing of the tyrant in him, even though we both agree he is to be the bread-winner. He is the leader of the home, because he has the priesthood, but we are equal partners in all we do.

Another key is that we are the parents, not the babysitters. We plan to raise our children with the idea that they are not the boss, we are. I don’t think it is healthy to let children run the home, and it isn’t healthy to control them with an iron fist, either. We want our children to feel that they have a say in matters, without feeling they own the place.

These ideas were all supported by Richard Miller in his talk “Who is the Boss?” I especially loved the part where he talks about the priesthood being a key to serving, not servitude. I appreciate my husband and his role as head, but he also recognizes me as someone he loves and serves. I am grateful for my husband and the wonderful blessing he is!

Miller, R., “Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families.” BYU Conference on Family Life, Brigham Young University, March 28, 2009.

Blog Post 10 (June 29-July 24) Fidelity and Physical Intimacy

While reading this week there was a story about “Jane” and her husband “Aaron.” Jane had a “friend” and although she wasn’t physically intimate, she was emotionally intimate with him and not Aaron, her husband. Sometimes situations seem innocent, but can be very detrimental to marriage. Marriage is supposed to be a way for husband and wife to bond emotionally, spiritually, physically, and intellectually. When we offer any part of that to someone else we are not showing fidelity in marriage. I appreciated the questions posed in that talk and felt that was something I wanted to share. If we find ourselves with a “special friend” we need to ask ourselves these questions:

• “Are you turning to your friend for comfort rather than turning to your spouse?”

• “Do you find yourself thinking about your friend even when you’re at home?”

• “Do you seek opportunities to be with your friend even when work doesn’t require you to be together?”

• “Do you e-mail and text your friend when you’re not together?”

• “Have you told your spouse about these messages?”

• “Does the relationship with your friend take more of your time and energy than your relationship with your spouse?”

• “Do you compare your spouse to your friend?”

• “Would you be uncomfortable introducing your spouse to your friend?”

If you find yourself answering any of these questions with a guilty feeling, it is time to reorganize and prioritize. The relationships we have with our husband or wife are so special. Nothing should ever come between that.

I love my husband with all my heart, and he is truly my best friend. I know that he is not perfect, but neither am I, so together we are able to grow and improve. Too many people let those little imperfections gnaw away at their friendship, and if you find yourself feeling that way, focus on the good your spouse offers. Love him or her with all your heart. Don’t let anyone or anything get between you!

Matheson, K. (2009, September 1). Fidelity in Marriage: It’s More Than You Think. Ensign

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2009/09/fidelity-in-marriage-its-more-than-you-think?lang=eng

Blog Post 9 (June 22-27) Seeking to Understand

One of the most powerful ideas from reading “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage” this week was that, “We should enjoy and appreciate our partners. We should forgive them of their humanness. The single most promising marriage-fixing effort is not tinkering with our partners’ characters; it is loving, cherishing, and appreciating them” (pg. 127).

I liked this quote because too often we see only the flaws. We complain that he never puts dishes away, or that she always whines about having to make the bed. Instead of focusing on these little bits of annoyance, we should really focus on all the wonderful things our spouses are and do.

So, for my thoughts this week I wanted to list a few great qualities my husband has and why I appreciate them:

He is patient; he is able to take in stress better than I can and helps me to remain calm when we are faced with difficult situations.

He is romantic; not just once have I had a surprise bouquet of roses show up at my door. He knows that I like romantic gestures like that, so he will randomly surprise me “just because.”

He is loving; he tells me at least an hundred times a day that he loves me. He texts me love notes from work, he kisses me whenever we come near each other, and he is always willing to hold my hand.

He is honest; he and I know everything about everything in our lives. We have no secrets, he has given me his heart and expects me to protect it.

He is smart; he can do math in his head! It takes me about fifteen minutes to find out the same information as he just knows.

He is hard working; he works so much all day long and studies all the time so that our family can have a better life. He knows that I want to stay at home with our children, so he works to allow me that blessing.

He is strong in his beliefs; he and I are in almost perfect agreement about what really matters. He is strong in doing what he believes is right. We both have the same standards for our family and our lives, and he can be counted on to uphold those beliefs.

There are so many things that make my husband wonderful, and it would take hours to put down all the things he is amazing at, so instead I am going to leave it here and just say that he is amazing, and I am grateful for the man I married, and hope to be worthy of him.

 

Goddard, H. (2009). Chapter 7: Charity. In Drawing heaven into your marriage: Eternal Doctrines that Change Relationships. Fairfax, VA: Joymap Publishing.

Blog post 8 (June 15-20) Managing Conflict

The biggest thought I had this week was about forgiveness in marriage. It is easy to say that we will be forgiving and loving when we commit to marriage, but once it gets hard do we stick with it?

I feel like when we can truly learn to forgive our spouses we are able to show true love. Sometimes this means that we have to set aside our pride, which can be hard. We are all going to make mistakes, but it is important to remember that both of us will be making those mistakes. I am not perfect, and neither is my husband, but because we both recognize that we can overcome anything.
Just this week it seemed that we were going to have a perfect week. We didn't have any arguments, we weren't so very bothered by any little irritations, until Saturday. For some reason we got into an argument, and it seemed like there was no hope to overcome the stresses. While my husband went on a walk, I rehearsed over and over all the things I was feeling, but instead, because we had time to think, we were able to forgive. Instead of rehashing the problems when he got home, we just let them fade. It may seems backwards, because we didn't actually "solve" the problem, instead we forgave each other.

Some things seem impossible to forgive, but nothing is important enough to hold on to. I know that there are even some things that can ruin marriage, but we can’t let it destroy us. Forgiveness is not something we have to have both parties for. We should be constantly forgiving others, as well as ourselves. Forgiveness is a healing balm. And in marriage, it is the best medicine.

I think the most important thing is to have a good relationship with your spouse. I know that my husband is my best friend, and so if we have issues, we can communicate them. I know that I can talk to him and tell him how I feel, and he can tell me how he feels. Even if we get upset we can work through the hard times, and learn to forgive each other. Forgiveness, true forgiveness, is not easy, but it so worth it.

Blog Post 7 (June 8-13) Beware of Pride

Every year, twice a year, we as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints gather together (either physically in Salt Lake City, Utah, or through television or digitally) and hear the words of the living prophets. One of the most profound talks ever given was by Ezra Taft Benson, prophet, seer, revelator, and then president of the Church. In April 1989 he gave a talk entitled “Beware of Pride” (which was then printed the next month in the magazine the Ensign). I have been influenced by this talk my whole life.

I remember as a child my Dad taught us about pride through this talk. He taught us that we shouldn’t allow pride to influence us, and to rise above it. Obviously this is a life-long lesson, and I am still working on it today.

A few years ago I was able to serve as a missionary and I remember how strongly this talk influenced me then, as well. I can’t even remember why I had it, but I had a printed copy, and I carefully pasted it into my journal so that I would always be able to re-read it and remember what it says. I added pictures to make it appealing and read it often. Pride is a huge stumbling block, and when we allow pride to control us, we lose out on so much.

“Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing.

“The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen… Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God’s” (Benson).

When we are in a relationship, whether as a spouse, a sibling, a parent, or a child, we often allow pride to control our actions. It is easy to think that what I say is right, and what they say is wrong. We “pit our will against” them. When we are able to pull away from the prideful tendencies we have such better lives. Our marriages thrive, our relationships deepen, and we love more fully.

I find that pride infects a relationship, and that when I allow it into my marriage I am pushing my husband away. I start to feel justified that I am doing all I can, and he is doing nothing. That is not true. We both strive for a happy marriage, and we both fail at times. My pride tells me that I am always right, but the Spirit tells me that that isn’t the case. When we are willing to allow that sting of guilt to change us, we can overcome pride. We just have to be willing to try.

I would love to just post the whole talk for my blog this week, but instead I am going to just add a link so you can read it for yourself! Enjoy!

https://www.lds.org/ensign/1989/05/beware-of-pride?lang=eng

Benson, E. (1989, May 1). Beware of Pride. Ensign. Found on lds.org, https://www.lds.org/ensign/1989/05/beware-of-pride?lang=eng

Blog Post 6 (June 1-6) Staying Emotionally Connected

One of the readings this week was a poem called Lamentations. While reading it I was drawn to Eve’s perspective on our joys and sorrows in life. In the poem we see the different life moments that Eve went through; being told she would suffer, giving birth to her boys, and then losing them.

The first thing that really hit me was when she says, “And now another one who looks like Adam…” I love that line, because ever since I met my husband I have wanted our children to look and be like him. He is handsome and good inside and out. What a miracle to have a child born who truly belongs to you. To know that he is yours and your husbands.

The next line that really hit me was “Where are the boys?” Before there is an answer Eve has to assume or perhaps assure herself that they are out working. Perhaps a lamb is being born? The weather seems bad for that, but work is work. She seems to try and ignore the look on Adam’s face. I think this is so sad. No mother wants to hear that her child has died, then to have to find out it was by his brother’s hand, and not only has she lost one, but both. I am sure that as a mother she would try and think of other punishments for her son, she wouldn’t want him to leave her too.

And of course, “Why?” We all ask that question when times get hard. I think that saddest part is that Cain chose this path. Many mothers have asked the question, “Why?” We just have to remember that we do what we can, and love them, but they are still free to choose their own paths.

It is a heartbreaking poem, but the key to this is not the sadness, it is the knowledge that Eve chose to go through the sorrow so that she could understand the joy. She, like all of us, chose to come to earth and suffer so that we can grow. We will never become better if we avoid the suffering.

I like the analogy that life is like an education. When we are students it seems like we will be students forever. We will always be struggling through homework, papers, exams, and projects. Then, one day, it’s all over. Did we do our best? Did we really learn, or did we just skim through. When the final exam is over, are we better for it? Life is like the education we receive; did we graduate or just go to school until we could bail?

Poem Source:

Hafen, B. (2005). The Doctrinal Pattern of Adam and Eve: No Misery, No Joy. In Covenant hearts: Marriage and the Joy of Human Love (pp. 65-74). Salt Lake City, Utah: Deseret Book. Poem: Lamentations, by Arta Romney Ballif.